When Waiting Goes Wrong


I’m writing this article to my Christian sisters that are waiting until they get married to have sex. If you are a Christian guy then you might get something out of it too. If you are not a Christian than this article will probably sound like nonsense to you so that’s my disclaimer… don’t read it.

For those of you still with me…I wrote this to help you think about why and how you are waiting.

If you were waiting or living a celibate life and made a mistake or gave up I want to encourage you to set your course back in the direction in which you began. You have the power despite what you did or what was done to you to turn around and do things God’s way. I have a lot of respect for people that once had sex and then committed their lives to the Lord and brought their sex lives under His authority. It shows that they wisely recognized the need to do things God’s way. I recognize that the lifestyle can be difficult at times but I want to remind you that it’s worth it.

When I was young I decided that I was going to be a virgin when I got married. Some people told me this was a terrible idea. I was given weak arguments as to why I should have sex and  was constantly questioned about it. I had to explain my decision.  However, I never felt alone in my decision because I was supported by the churches I grew up in, my parents and a lot of my friends that came from different religious backgrounds. Many of them had made similar decisions that they were sticking to.

As a Christian girl it was foundational that you would wait until you got married to have sex. We received promises that one day our virgin prince would find us and we’d raise a wonderful family together. Sex was meant to be the icing on the cake of an already strong relationship. Having sex before hand would rob us of the blessings that God had prepared for us.

Christian girls are brought up to believe that they will get married and have a great life afterwards, but what happens to the women that wait and wait and wait…. They start as hope filled teens and turn into disillusioned 20 and 30 year olds. God forbid if they make it into their 40’s and still haven’t met that guy. What then? What happens to those women?
The sad thing is that some of these women give up on their original dream. They settle for guys that they would never have considered before. They settle for guys that don’t share their faith or want the same things out of life. They listen to the whispers that say they will end up alone if they don’t make quick decisions and grab onto whoever comes next. They make ultimatums with God. They say “God if you don’t bring me this man by the time I turn 35 then that’s it…”
The reason this happens is because some women wait wrong. There is a good way to wait and a wrong way to wait. If you are waiting wrong then as you get older your virginity and your purity will become something that is ugly to you. It will be a filthy rag that you want to toss away. It will be something you are embarrassed about and want to get rid of. It will be a sign of a broken promise from God. Your virginity and celibate life will be a reminder that God didn’t give you want you wanted and so you took matters into your own hands. This is a sad way to end off years of waiting. The only way to guard against this mentality is to test your heart. Did you believe everything should have been perfect for you? Should everything have worked out on your timing and schedule and the way you wanted? Are you angry at God? Do you have unrealistic expectations about your future? Have you believed a lie about God’s love for you? If you wait wrong you will find yourself regretting the years you waited. You will change your beliefs to fit into what you are now living.
Societies pressures will eventually get to you. You will be seduced by what you never thought you would entertain in your life. The glorification of sex will wear you down.
If you have chosen to wait and you did it for the right reasons you need to constantly ask God to remind you of why you are doing it. If you are waiting for the right reasons then that means you want to honour God with your body. You want His wisdom when making decisions. You are waiting because you trust God’s help in your life. You are waiting because you want to honour your future spouse. If you do get married, you want to bring something of value that you battled over and protected into your marriage. You want to enjoy God’s plan for your sex life. If you are waiting in the right way you will know that your strength and joy come from maintaining your firey passion for Jesus. Your virginity and taken back sex life will be a prize that you can be proud of. You will know that you are practicing to be a sexually faithful person. If you are waiting in the right way you are making plans for you future and living your life to the fullest regardless of if you are single or not. Your life is not on hold until you meet your spouse. If you are waiting right, then there will be joy regardless of what present hardships you face.
A few months ago when I was thinking about this topic I asked one of my single friends  what would be the state of her mind if she remained single for years to come. She said she hoped that her walk with God would be stronger. I was surprised by how calmly and quickly she answered the question. She admitted that she had thought about it before. I knew from her answer that she had the right focus that would help sustain her during times of loneliness and sacrifice. She wanted her relationship with God to be stronger.
Sometimes waiting means that you will have to give up on potential relationships that are not right or do not line up to the standard of holiness that God has called you to. It’s hard to give up something that seems like fun in the moment but you need to think about the end goal which is to honour God with your life. The end goal is not marriage. If the dreams for your life only surround getting married then you might have a really hard time if things don’t happen when you think they should. Many women have grown frustrated waiting for a Christian guy to glance their way, let alone date and marry them.
lonely black girl
I’ve met a few admirable women that lived vibrant single lives. They honoured God with their bodies. Those that waited with the right commitment were content and happy with their lives at every stage.
If you waited and things did not turn out the way you wanted it is not time to throw away your purity. It is not time to believe that you do not have anything of value. It is time to ask God to give you purpose and vision for your life so that you will continue to follow His direction for you.
Waiting wrong is not just a problem before marriage. Even if you do get married and have your storybook wedding, waiting wrong can cause you to have unrealistic expectations in your marriage. You could put your spouse on a pedestal that they will surely fall from. Complications in your marriage might leave you disillusioned and unhappy. The bottom line is your trust can never fully be in another human. Waiting on God in the right way teaches you that and makes you strong.
If you’re  choosing to be a virgin until you get married or choosing to be celibate then that decision must be higher than yourself. That decision has to be made to God. The commitment needs to be solid despite wherever life takes you.  People make mistakes and lose focus so I’m not condemning anyone. But I want you to really think about the cost and time of your commitment. For some the decision will be for a few years for others a lifetime. Decide that you will never turn back.
Your decision has to be for you and for God it has to be rooted in who God says you are and what He says he requires from your life. I’ll just tell you right now…
Things will never be perfect.
If we expect God to make everything perfect because of the commitment we made then the offering of our lives isn’t really an offering at all.  The sacrifice of our lives should not be bargaining chip or an ultimatum…it should be free will offering. A free will offering  is the kind of sacrifice that God honours. Waiting will not go wrong if you stay in God’s hands.
Nana Abraham is a speaker, youth activist and author of For Black Girls: The Shaping of a Young Woman– a handbook for life that discusses relevant issues for young women today.img_5847bw

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