This week I would like to tackle a few more mixed messages.
Gold diggers and Independent women
This first one applies to women in general not just black women. A woman might express her desire to be in a relationship with someone who is financially stable and potentially earns equal to or more money than she does. Unfortunately, Sometimes women are quickly nick-named gold diggers for trying to find someone that they can build a future with. I know that some women might prioritize wanting to be with someone because of how much they make, but I think that well-intentioned women get thrown into this category. There are men who would want their wives to stay home with the family and there are women who would want to stay home and not work so it only makes sense that if you are planning for your future that you would take income into consideration. Sometimes women are told to lower their financial standards of what they are looking for in a future partner. Even if some women might not care what their partners make, whether it’s more or much less, some men have also expressed that they are not comfortable with their spouses earning more. So, If a woman earns a decent living on her own and looking for a future mate she is sometimes looked at with a bit of judgment and suspicion. Are her standards too high for a future mate or is she just practical in looking at all the factors?
Recently I came across a silly meme on social media that had an attractive woman saying that she likes to do everything 50/50. A man had posted it and many people agreed and supported the idea. I thought it was interesting because I’m always hearing arguments that if a woman fights to do everything 50/50 she has an issue like she isn’t able to receive from men and be “treated like a lady” or she has that “independence” problem. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s just one of those mixed messages that depend on the person you are with like most other issues.
Black men bashing
Years ago I wrote an article about the prevalence of black women bashing by black men who might want to date outside of their race. It’s easy to find online, you hear the jokes and the comments in life and in the movies. Thankfully, there are many supportive amazing black men out in the world who would do anything to show love to black women. John Boyega is a wonderful example of this. But I’ve also noticed that black women can support and show love publically, repeatedly putting themselves on the front line of protests and other injustices for black men and the issues that they face. But the support publically is not always reciprocated. However, if black women voice concern about challenges they’ve had with black men or the lack of support they’ve personally experienced they are instantly demonized as black women who are tearing down black men. Sadly, you can find so many videos and statements on what’s wrong with black women made by black men. You can find examples of black male stars and artists saying misogynistic things about black women.
My purpose in bringing this to light isn’t to stir up trouble. I wanted to show how confusing it can be to hear all of these types of messages. As a woman, it’s almost impossible to ignore. As a black woman, I feel it important to highlight these problems while trying to offer solutions. Often we hear these conflicting messages on their own spouted by whoever and we don’t stop to consider the logic or motive behind what is being said. Many people accept these comments and judgments without thinking about how they influence young men and women. We might even take it for granted when we hear something that doesn’t make sense and chalk it up to foolishness or we just accept them as fact. What is the impact down the road?